Reason d'etre

How often do you visit the question: am I supposed to be doing something important, momentous, significant? I wonder about this more often than I think is 'normal'. Most movies can set me off on this tangent and certainly almost any book though when the cat FINALLY left the house with his hat and pink stuff, not so much.

I wonder if my repeated self-questioning is an expression of doubt about my present choices. I like to live as if I have been created with a certain set of gifts and abilities. And that it is my duty to apply those gifts in the manner I can best create in this life. Inside the duty I find happiness and a sense of calm, especially when the goal attained, when the task completed is big in scope, long in coming, and required me to overcome adversities great and small. An Ironman. Buying a condemned POS and fashioning a testament to Soulard history and a place to call home again. Struggling with no money and living richly.

Maybe my repeated wonderment about a purpose for this life is an expression of my need for big goals and grand challenges. In a fight against being lazy and acquiescing to the numbing pleasure of sloth having a self-imposed 'must do' is important for me. I took on a coach for Ironman training for this reason, mainly. And I share and discuss my house project daily with my friends and family for this reason too. It keeps it, the long term goal, alive and real and grounded. I feel that if I were to slack and quit I would be letting many more people down than just myself. And some days this is what keeps me sane and grounded. It wakes me up and has be don the dirty work jeans and paint and paint and paint.

I'd like to be continually inspired by my goals and my daily efforts but I am not. Mr. King and other great leaders, great people, almost heavenly beings seem to be a constant of inspiration. I know this is not the case for those people. They had self-doubt probably a tremendous amount more than I can comprehend. And they forged on. They found a way to keep putting one foot in front of the next.

And maybe that is what I am built to do. Maybe making that conscious choice day in and day out is my purpose. That is not an inspiring thought to me. So, I think I will continue to wonder about my 'movie moment'. And I will likely die still wondering but knowing it has been there all along.